I autographed a box, but I accidentally wrote the name 'Dracula', and people blamed me when a greyhound fainted at a wedding. The real Dracula is learning how to throw the javellin, and it's making people very nervous.

Melanie from down the road was in a shampoo ad, and ever since then she's had an imaginary friend on her shoulder telling her how great her hair looks. He says things like, "Have you seen the way everyone is looking at your hair? I just heard someone say, 'Wow, look at her hair.'"

Dracula is following her around too, talking about how great her neck is, but he ran out of things to say fairly quickly, so he just copies what the imaginary friend on her shoulder says, like, "I just heard someone say, 'Wow, look at her neck.'"

When they were watching professional wrestling, the imaginary friend on her shoulder said, "Your hair is so shiny... Are they just acting?"

"Well of course they're acting," Dracula said. "Any idiot could see they're acting."

"Are you calling me an idiot?"

Half an hour later they were standing on the lawn. Dracula had a black eye, and his right arm was in a sling. She said to him, "He says he's sorry he said he's seen plenty of dead people who could throw the javellin further than you."

"That's okay. I'm sorry I said I'd lost toes that knew more about hair than him."

"He accepts your apology."

They went to get ice creams at an ice cream parlour in town. Dracula stole some spoons, but she wasn't very impressed by that, so he took them back.

Band: Rocky De Valera and The Gravediggers

Rocky de Valera is Ferdia Mac Anna. Eamon de Valera is dead, so he can't complain about the use of his name, but he'd be rolling over in his grave if he was still alive. The Gravediggers had a brief career in the late seventies, and they're back. My hands think they're better than having twelve fingers.

Website:

http://www.rockydevalera.com/